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CORVALLIS - By a twist of fate, Sadie Wilson was late for school on the morning of May 21, 1998 - an event that hardly would be noteworthy except that her school was Thurston High in Springfield, Ore., and on that morning two students would die and another 24 would be injured in one of the nation's most horrific shooting sprees.

Though she did not witness the shootings, Wilson became intimately involved in the aftermath of the tragedy. As student body president, she felt a responsibility to help other Thurston students cope with their grief. She spoke to reporters under the glare of television lights. She even introduced President Clinton in his appearance in Springfield.

Deep down, though, Wilson never really came to grips with the tragedy's effect on her personally until she began writing her graduation thesis for the University Honors College at Oregon State University. And that process, which will result in her walking down the aisle at OSU's June 16 commencement to pick up her honors bachelor's degree in speech communication, turned out to be cathartic.

"As I began writing, I realized that I had never really gotten over it," she said. "When people talk about school violence, they look at the injured, the person who pulled the trigger, or the witnesses. But (the incident) has had a powerful effect over my life as well. It was my high school. For a while, I felt guilty that I could not have done something to prevent it, and I felt guilty that I wasn't there.

"In my mind, I created my own pictures of what happened," she added, "and those pictures have haunted me ever since."

As she began writing, Wilson realized her feelings of guilt were both natural, and misplaced. As she committed words to paper, her feelings were unleashed in an emotional torrent.

When Wilson started her thesis, she was adamant that the project wasn't going to be about her. But she realized it would be unfair to ask her friends from Thurston to relive their experiences and memories. Instead, she pushed herself to relive her own past four years, confronting her own demons.

"For the past four years," she said, "whenever I would go into a new place I would begin checking out where the exits were - just in case. If I heard balloons popping, or other loud sounds, it stopped me with fear."

As her thesis work progressed, Wilson began to feel better about herself. Her research into other school shootings, and on the effects of trauma, helped her understand what she was going through. Putting random thoughts into cohesive order galvanized her thinking about the tragedy and how she was reacting to it.

And she realized how fortunate she was - in an entirely different way.

"One lesson that I learned is how wonderful my parents truly are," Wilson said. "Before the shooting, I had the typical high school relationship with them. I loved them, but I knew better what was best for me. I was right; they were wrong. The day I moved out wouldn't be soon enough.

"But that all changed. I realized not only how much I loved them, but to what extent they loved me and what they were willing to do to protect me. My mom still has a habit of changing the channel when she hears the words 'school violence' on TV. And my dad, he always gives me encouragement when I become stressed out."

Little things. That is what Sadie Wilson is learning to appreciate because, she says, she knows how quickly life can change.

Wilson's experiences are not typical of most University Honors College students, admits UHC Dean Joe Hendricks. But her willingness to tackle a serious problem and share her experiences - in order to better herself and others - are traits that help define the best honors students, he said.

"I have a great deal of admiration for Sadie and how she not only has faced that adversity from four years ago, but has used it as a motivation to make the most out of her life," Hendricks said. "Sadie represents what is irrepressible in the human spirit. I'm confident that she will go far."

Wilson's future changed in many ways on May 21, 1998. She already had been accepted into OSU, where she intended to major in biology and pursue a career in forensic science. Memories of the Thurston High cafeteria shortly after the shooting, however, prevented her from following that path.

Instead, she pursued an honors degree in speech communication and hopes to become a communication director for a school district. She already has accepted a job with the Bethel School District, where she will be the project assistant for the Partnership for Youth-Five A's project, coordinating local partners who provide after-school and summer programs for Eugene-area youths.

Her experience with the news media helped steer her college coursework toward communication, she admits. While most of the Oregon news media were understanding and discreet in their coverage of the Thurston tragedy, Wilson said, many out-of-state reporters were intrusive and just plain inaccurate.

"It seemed like a lot of them had preconceived ideas of what the story was and that's how they set out to portray things," she said. "It makes me question the interpretation of what happened at Columbine High School, and at other places as well.

"Was the 'trenchcoat mafia' something that was really a part of that school's culture," she asked, "or was it a media creation?"

Those are questions she can wrestle with in the next chapter of her life. For now, Sadie Wilson is content that she has exorcised some of her own personal demons and, by sharing her story, may help others who are struggling with fear, indecision, and personal doubt.

"I have taught myself to talk myself through the panic I feel when sounds,
smells and feelings remind me of the shooting. I can make myself calm by
taking a deep breath...I have become cautious of my surroundings, but I
have also taught myself not to overreact. Teaching myself to work through
my thoughts and feelings has taken time and a willingness and commitment
to reflect and understand."